I was once present at the beginning of a new relationship. Standing at a bus stop as a youngster, I saw a man and a woman meeting each other. Apparently they hadn’t seen each other for some time, and after the usual greetings, a conversation started. As this happened decades ago, and I wasn’t consciously eavesdropping on their conversation, I can’t relay the first part of the conversation, but at some point the man figured out that the woman was single at that moment.
He promptly asked her to start a relationship with him. Right then and there. No hesitation. She laughed, but surprisingly to me, she agreed. The man, clearly a go getter, started to make plans with her to further shape this fledgling relationship.
For me as a kid back then, the boldness of this man was bordering on superhuman. The response from this woman was also unbelievable. To be fair, they clearly knew each other prior to this particular conversation. The man knew that she was the kind of woman he wanted to be in a relationship with, as she knew enough about him to be able to say yes to his proposal.
Looking back, it is obvious that both people have previously vetted each other and decided that the other met their criteria for someone, they could build a relationship with.
Now, most relationships between men and women will not start like this. In this day and age, people like to just hang around with each other, and at some point, their community starts looking at them as a couple because they don’t hang around with anyone else. What I witnessed seems cold and contractual now. Almost archaic.
Relationships now just seem to emerge. God forbid any conversations about what ‘this’ is. Let’s just enjoy it and see where it goes.
The difference between what I witnessed and what is common in Western culture today, is the lack of clear commitment. Those two people back then, after a short conversation, committed to each other and the relationship they wanted to build.
To start a healthy and stable relationship, there needs to be some serious, grown – up conversations wherein you lay some solid foundational ground rules you both commit to. To clarify, we are talking about a Christian romantic relationship between a man and a woman, with the aim/intention of getting married and, God willing, starting a family together.
Without the commitment, there is no use in talking about basic ground rules. Rules have no meaning if no one commits to them or their purpose. So let’s take a look at these basic rules you need to commit to for a healthy and stable relationship.
Rule number 1: No physical violence between partners
You might think this one is a no-brainer, but physical violence is a surprisingly common occurrence in modern-day relationships. And no, I am not only talking about men hitting or physically abusing women. Both sexes can and do violate this rule.
This rule includes any type of physical violence towards the other. That includes: hitting, shoving, throwing stuff at each other, and getting someone else to do these things for you. All types of direct or indirect physical abuse. We are talking about taking actions to intentionally cause bodily harm to your partner.
Rule number 2: There shall be no insulting or humiliating your partner
Insults and humiliation are quite common among the ‘civilized’ who pride themselves on not stooping to physical violence. Name-calling, cursing, degrading and other dehumanizing wordplay towards your partner to cause emotional pain are all included here.
Humiliation can sometimes be camouflaged as jokes or humor, but this is also not healthy for the relationship. This, both in its verbal form and as the result of deliberate actions.
Rule number 3: There shall be no screaming at your partner
One of the universal signs in any culture that things are not going well in a relationship is the partners screaming at each other. It is very difficult to lose control over your emotions and talk calmly at the same time. Screaming at your partner because you are enraged is a serious red flag that you are on the very short path to saying things you will regret (if you haven’t already).
Rule number 4: Pray
As men, the apostle Peter advises us to treat our wives (as well as the woman we love and are in a relationship with), as the weaker vessel. The health of the relationship with your woman is something you need to actively work on and keep track of. How you treat her is directly tied to the health and strength of that bond.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
1 Peter3:7 (King James)
The only way you, as a man, are able to lead your partner in building this healthy relationship, is by setting the right example and, cultivating a healthy relationship with God. This takes both discipline and emotional self-control. The latter is something many modern men struggle with.
There are many references in the Bible that teach us the importance of controlling how we communicate. Proverbs 13:3 states that guarding your mouth actually preserves your life. And as how we communicate greatly indicates the state of our mind, Proverbs 16:32 teaches us that self-control is a mightier endeavor than taking a city.
13 He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction. Proverbs 13:3 (King James)
32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Proverbs 16:32 (King James)
All of this is impossible without observing a fourth rule: Praying, both as a couple and individually. Without opening yourself up, to the guiding and healing influence of the Holy Spirit, your chances of sticking to these rules are slim to none.
It is through the Spirit alone, that you are able to make good on the intent to treat your partner right. When it all comes down to it, a healthy relationship is predicated on what our Lord taught us in Luke 6:31. Treat others as you yourself would like to be treated.
31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. Luke 6:31 (King James)
Yes, this also goes for a romantic relationship. Your partner will not constantly be your favorite person, and due to their proximity, they might get under your skin the easiest.
Observing these 4 basic rules not only guides you into building a healthy and stable relationship that can weather the storms that inevitably come along in life. It also provides a framework to vet potential life partners you might be courting.
If the person you are courting won’t commit to following these basic rules or is constantly failing at keeping them, you might have a mismatch on your hands and reconsider.
To the outside world, these basic rules enable you to build a healthy and stable relationship that might look effortless, but you and your partner know that it takes hard work and commitment.